swx2

Ten entries and nine months into this journal, I'm still at the crossroads. Perhaps I'm a bit wiser and I feel like a completely different person than I was last year, but the fact remains: I'm still at the fucking crossroads. Looking back I see a whole bunch of minor accomplishments, road trips, completed projects, read books, eaten meals, great hangouts, boring meetings, one-way conversations, satisfying shits and showers.... My life has become a series of great, shitty and mostly so-so days.  The good thing is that I have noone but myself to blame for it, so there's still hope left. 

Note to self (even though I probaby won't read this for a while): 

STOP OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING AND FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS. WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS SHIT PLENTY OF TIMES ASSHOLE. STOP ANALYZING, STOP PLAYING IT SAFE AND START LIVING. STOP BEING COMFORTABLE AND START FEELING COMFORTABLE. 

I'll post some pictures of my NY/CT vacation with "zee Germans" whenever they send me some. It was a wonderful time for every fucking minute of it. 

I haven't been running due to a week of vacation and a week of family visits but I did manage to go swimming a few times. Needless to say, tomorrow evening will include a 5K and Merauder. Pumped!

I'm currently posting from work. 

Why?

Fuck it, that's why.

I think that the reason why I haven't posted i here as much as I would like can be traced back to two things:

1. I have been able to open up to certain people and talk freely about what's going on with me. For that I am grateful.

2. The productivity push and the sense of urgency I was talking about a few months ago is all but gone. Actually, it has completely changed its rhythm. The constant flow of motivation and ideas has been replaced by a couple of days of activity and long periods of routine. For that, I am somewhat dissapointed in myself.

Some things to look forward to over the next few weeks:
- Getting back on the horse and start regulating things
- Dave's stand-up thing in NYC this weekend
- Tragedy in Providence, RI
- Dead Meadow at Bug Jar 
- Running outside

Some things to dread over the next few weeks:
- Working the weekend after next
- Wisdom teeth out few days after that

Some things to heavily listen to over the next few weeks:
- Witch "Paralyzed"
- Saviours "Into Abbadon"
- Torche "Meanderthal"

Some things to keep doing over the next few weeks:
- Learning Perl
- Running
- Lifting

My nephew rules.

Thank you to Achilles for bringing back the excitement and pre-show jitters I haven't felt since How We Are broke up. Also, thank you for sharing your van with me and for not playing on Thursday. Those shitbags on North St. did not in any way deserve your first show in eight months to be their soundtrack to being assholes.

Thank you to Tides for annihilating live, and for being Trailer Park Boys fans. I've been listening to your records all day.

Thank you to Like Wolves for being such an exciting, great band. You youngsters deserve all the support you can get, and I'm backing your band 100%.

Thank you to everyone who helped me out with a place to stay, hooked up a ride this weekend, or just came to hang out. You helped me experience one of the best weekends I've had in quite some time. 

Combined with passing the SUN test on Friday, I feel like a brand new person. 

Say hi to my nephew Tristan Neven





A lot has happened in the last few weeks, and I don't feel like going into it. My vacation and Thanksgiving were tough, draining, stressful, great, relaxing, uplifting, and more all at the same time.

This weekend was a total bust. I didn't go to Providence because of work, and then the winter storm completely screwed up my plans of going to Rochester. At least I can get back to studying. I completely dropped the ball on that during vacation and holidays, but I don't feel too bad about it. I'm not too excited about being back home, but I'll be going back to see the family for christmas. Also, between long hours at work, going to the gym and studying, I should be able to make the time go by a little faster. 

The Boston trip definitely did its part. I had a great time, gained some distance from the everyday bullshit and overall just recalibrated things. Here's a quick recap, mostly for my own notes:

Sunday - Dinner with family in Hartford. I get to the hotel after 10 PM but can't fall asleep until 3:30 AM or so. At least I get the chance to plow through a lot of chapters in Cryptonomicon.

Monday - The commute from my hotel sucks. I immediately realize that Boston drivers have to be the worst in the country. The whole "driving on the shoulder" thing completely throws me off. After the seminar, I drive into Allston. Downtown Browne and I get some food at Grasshopper's and watch Monday Night Football. We have a couple of brews, Brett Favre scores a 80+ YD touchdown in OT, thus making the score America:1 Everyone else: 0.

Tuesday - More of the same during the day. The classes are kind of boring, but I enjoy the labs. Drive into Cambridge in the evening to meet up with Adnan. I've known him since 1st grade but we haven't seen each other in five years or so. We walk around Harvard Square, and eventually go into some place called the Garage for dinner. Afterwards we have crepes with Nutella and fruit. Kind of ballin'. It's good to catch up though.

Wednesday - It's Halloween, but definitely doesn't feel like it. I meet up with Rory in Cambridge at the Middle East "complex". Some people are walking in costumes, but nothing too exciting really. A number of girls are wearing maid type uniforms. I'm into it. We get Indian food for dinner and then go to the Avail show. I'm not really into that band, but it's great to be hanging out with Rory again. We see a belly dancer in the bar upstairs. At first I thought it was just a costume, but this lady was for real. Into that as well. I'm feeling kind of tired after the show, so we go back to the hotel.

Thursday - I pass out after watching My Name is Earl and The Office and eating some overpriced banana chocolate chip cake.

Friday - I barely make it through the half-day worth of activities. With Celtics tickets in my hand, I make my way to Allston and meet up with C-Browne. We take the bus into Cambridge and meet Rory at Veggie Planet. Brian makes us some slammin food, before we set out to slay the beast known as Boston traffic. We make it to the Arena alright, but getting to our reserved parking is a bitch. Yeah it's reserved and yeah it's straight ballin. We make it into our Premium Club suite just in time for tip-off. (get used to it, I'll be throwing out these baller-ass terms for the rest of the entry) I'm a little bummed that we missed the player introductions, but at this point I have to piss like a motherfucker. Good thing our suite has a private bathroom. And is fully catered. No waiting in lines like common folks. 

Game is a blowout, but the crowd seems to be having a great time. Then again it's a sold-out home opener, with monster games from KG and Pierce, so good times for the fans is a given. The only negative to the whole evening is that I somehow manage to spill chocolate syrup all over my pants, but I can live with that. Where did I get syrup you ask? From the dessert cart. With my strawberries. Did I mention how baller this was? We make it back to Allston in decent time, although we do spend some time driving around again. I drive to Hartford and crash at my sisters couch. After watching the game highlights on ESPN of course. 

There it is. No photos unfortunately. I really have to start getting into the habit of taking pictures when I go places. 

Once again, I'm having trouble falling asleep. Everything was fine for a few days, but over the last week or so it's been taking me hours before I actually go to sleep. The only thing that I dread more than laying awake for hours is going to work in the morning. I have only two workdays left before I go to Boston, which is followed by a two week vacation. It seems like so much longer than that though. Naturally, I've been feeling irritable and unmotivated to do anything. It's not a personal issue with any of my co-workers, but I just can't stand being there right now.

On the bright side, I think that taking a three week break from routine and everything that comes with it will completely change my state of mind. I'm really looking forward to my week in Boston because I've never been there before. I guess it's the idea of a completely new and fresh experience that makes it so exciting.

I spent a couple of hours talking to my homeboy Sascha from Germany today, whom I haven't seen since my trip to Europe last year. It was definitely nice and much needed, but it also made me think about a couple of things. First, my German is fucking pathetic and I need to read the books I got in NYC asap to refresh it a little. Second, it made me think about everything that happened since I got back. Although I don't feel that the two things are directly related, it seems that I really haven't been myself since that trip last fall. Case in point ... This week was probably the worst work week I've had since I started earning money full-time. Also, last weekend I spent less than 2 hours at home. To top things off, I just spent a few hours hanging out at random bars tonight. This seems like the kind of situation that would have gotten me stressed out or put me in some sort of lethargic, bummed-out state not too long ago. 

I can't help but feel happy that the sense of determination I've been feeling over the last couple of weeks is not going anywhere. It's great to feel focused again. Even though I don't have that many concrete plans yet, just the willingness to change the current state of things is quite empowering. 

I deleted my old livejournal prior to creating this one. I did so without even attempting to read a few years worth of entries that were in there. I guess I liked the notion of a clean break with something, seeing how I'm in the middle of an "escape mission" and all that. I did however read the last entry, which mentioned something about how I should really listen to my instincts a lot more. I don't necessarily recall the circumstances which prompted me to say something like that, but I can safely say that I've made no progress in that department at all. It appears that the problem is not me ignoring this inner voice. It's rather my ability and willingness to talk myself into things I know I should stay away from. Maybe it's because I'm more stubborn than I'd like to believe. On the other hand, maybe I find comfort in knowing the outcome of things or having some level of certainty at least. I do like computers and logic after all. 

The title of this journal is also the title of one of my favorite How We Are songs. I'm starting this journal in hopes that it will help me deal with some of the things that are mentioned in the lyrics. I can't bring myself to listen to the actual song though. These days I'm mostly listening to Karp and Big Business, and that's because the distorted bass sound on those records is hitting some sort of spot. It's almost numbing.

I look forward to going out for runs in the evening. I also started going for walks during lunch break. The weather has been compliant, but I think that even if it gets cold soon I will still enjoy it. Just like Jared Warren's bass, it's hitting some spot. Running and walking are great. Once you get settled into a rhythm, it's very easy to just filter out everything and feel detached. You can pretty much only focus on breathing. Breath in through the nose. Breath out through the mouth. Over and over.

It has become painfully apparent to me that I can't live here much longer and that I must start working on changing my living situation. Studying for SUN's second exam and researching new employment are an absolute priority right now. I feel greatly motivated to do this for a number of reasons, to the point where the thought of "escape" in any form has become an obsession. I think running/walking is definitely one way of expressing that. Listening to music every minute possible at work is another. Going to NYC this weekend. Going to Rochester this past weekend. Reading Chomsky because of his undeniable logic. Facts, quotes, references; I can't handle gray areas. I feel like I'm distancing myself even further from my life "as is" right now and putting things on hold until I can change the situation.

I'm bored with food. I still get hungry and work up the usual appetite but it goes away when I start eating. I don't really crave anything either. I really surprised myself when I craved pancakes this Sunday while in Rochester. It also surprised me that I slept as well as I did on Adam's couch that night. Over the last few weeks I've pretty much had an impossible time falling asleep. Going to bed has become my least favorite part of the day by far. 

Also, the Dangers record is back in rotation at once a day.